is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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