i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
