i already hear my dad disowning me
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
