Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
