I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
