"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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