I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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