So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Just invented taco cereal.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
