i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
