Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Is it penis luge time yet?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
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