i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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