Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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