you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
