this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
