i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
