if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
