there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
