Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
