Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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