I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
