Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize