I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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