I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
