I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
