Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
