Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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