White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
well you can't waste a boner
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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