so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Randomize
