now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
