No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Sacagawea was the original milf.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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