I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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