Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
