hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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