I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
