in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
