I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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