i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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