my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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