Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
