Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
