I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize
