Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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