I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Pants are for mortals
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
