if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
He passed out mid-signature
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
