I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
