cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
