My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
