Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
