new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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