I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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