her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
