Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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