Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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