I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I will pee on everything he values.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
