idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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