the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I am midnight drunk by noon
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
