Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
