She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
