I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
