just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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