happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
