Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
