If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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